Philpott's Phunnies #526 - 3/30/09

NEW ECONOMIC TERMS

BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius

BEAR MARKET - a 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER - What my financial planner has made me.

STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS - What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT - an archaic word no longer in use.

-----------------------------------------------------------------
INVESTMENT HINDSIGHT


If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Delta Airlinesone year ago, you will have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1000 of shares in AIGone year ago, you will have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Lehman Brothersone year ago, you will have $0.00 today.

But---- if you had purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment planis to drink heavily & recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg.

------------------------------------------------------------------
WHY, WHY?

1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

2. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

3. A penny saved is a government oversight.

4. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

5. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

6. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

7. He who hesitates is probably right.

8. Did you ever notice the Roman numerals for forty (40) are 'XL'?

9. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

10. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

11. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

12. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.'

13. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

14. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

15. Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft - Today, it's called golf.

------------------------------------------------------------

MU-WA HAHAHA

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.

'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'

So he tied her up and went golfing.

*****************************************

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.

She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'

The husband said, 'Oh my God!What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?''

Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

*********************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

*************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters -

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.''

Can you read this?' the optician asked.'

Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

***********************************************

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent. ''Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.

********************************************

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

************************************************

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.